There's a song that says, "just breathe..."
Sometimes I feel like that's all I can do. I feel like so many things are out of my control and how quickly a seemingly 'normal' day can flip upside down, sideways, backwards, anyway but 'normal.' Today, I am on edge. I keep looking at the clock. I keep looking at my babies here at home with me. I keep thinking of my babies that are not home and are in school right now. I keep thinking of the brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, aunts and uncles and cousins, who feel sorrow and heart ache that I can not comprehend at this moment. The verse in scripture comes to my brain, "Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in."
When I first heard the news I felt shock. Then when I learned more details, like it was an elementary school, 26 casualties, one class not accounted for I could not control the tears. I felt sick to my stomach, it literally sank everytime the details were repeated. My thoughts quickly turned to my 2 kids that are in 3rd grade and Kindergarten. I picked up the phone and dialed the school, but hung up. That's not happening here. I turned the television off. I thought of the times when I would go to my kids classes, and simply walk through the doors and see all the kids turn their heads to see who was at the door, the curiosity in their eyes and the pure happiness and innocence. Is that how they looked? At least for a second? Were they scared? Even as I write this insignificant post, because my sorrow is nothing compared to the sorrow of the parents, family, friends of those babies and the school workers/teachers, I feel so heartbroken, so raw, so sad. I don't know if I can comprehend such devastation but I do know that my comfort comes from the Lord, Jesus Christ. When Jesus was born a great hope was also born because this is what people heard and believed would be the path to eternal life and love. Anyway, His birth was significant, His life on earth is significant, His life as ransom for us is significant. This is what gives me comfort, what provides solace to my soul. Christmas seems to be overwhelmed with parties, presents, stress, etc. I so wish that tragedy did not have to happen to remember how significant celebrating the birth of our Savior is. So, today I will breathe. I will be grateful that I can pack my kids lunch to take to school. I will be grateful when my kids come home after school with all the healthy stuff still neatly packed in their lunch boxes. If I could remove some of the pain and sadness away I would, but I can't. But, the Lord can. He has! For you for me for everyone who has and ever will live. Don't feel sorry for me, don't worry about me. I am fine. I have a heavy heart but I am fine. My heart breaks for those backpacks, those Christmas presents under the tree, those babies, those teachers who protected those children to the end. I felt like I needed to express my heart.