Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Dirty Girl SD 2013

A rite of passage.  Mud. Running. Friends. Sweat.  Walls. Dirty Girl.  Race details... not too strenuous, muddy and beautiful. 
I took this opportunity to have a girls weekend with friends.  The race was on a Saturday morning in San Diego, so it's only logical to spend the night there.  A perfect equation for a weekend getaway.  I have only been away, alone, from my family (Jeff and kids) once in my life and it was just for a total of 12 hrs.  This has been a long time coming, for many reasons.  Mainly, I feel like I need to take some time and step away in order to not feel overwhelmed and exhausted.  I'm not saying every mother is like this, but I am like this.  I love being able to be a stay-at-home-mom and feel so blessed to have that special privilege of being able to witness every stage of growth of all of my children.  Not every mother can be at home with their kid(s) nor wants to, but I get to.  I am grateful for a hard working husband who sees the importance of having a parent available for their children at all times.  It's not easy.  It's work.  It sometimes feels like a thankless job.  I don't get days off.  I am always tired.  It is lonely, really lonely some days.  It makes you feel inadequate, never good enough.  It is hard.  BUT, I also feel that I'm the luckiest to be able to know (even if I can't really remember exact dates) when my kids took their first step or said mama or said "I love you" or to know that because I am home with them I know that oatmeal with extra "love" means lots of brown sugar.  Lately, I have been realizing that my kids are not slowing down, in fact, they seem to be growing faster and faster every day.  I don't know how that is happening because I don't feel like I'm getting older, but in fact I am and in fact THEY are growing up.  I have come to realize that I need to work hard to be present in the lives of my family.  I can't just watch them, I have to be in there - getting dirty!  The time when they are little and you are their world and the coolest and the strongest and the only one that can solve problems is very short in comparison to when they have to do things for themselves.  And just as quickly as they are doing things for themselves they start to realize that you aren't as cool as you once were.  I want to bottle up the look of hope that my little ones have, when they can't figure something out and come to me and they truly believe I am a master and will figure it out for them.  I love that!   My oldest always has to figure things out for herself before she comes to me.  It takes a lot for her to ask me, but when she does, it tugs at my heart because I know she has a twinkling of hope that I can solve her problem. 

The point to my rant?  No point.  I love my family.  Jeff is truly my safe place.  He works so hard for our family and makes an effort to maintain my happiness.  He knows me at my highs and at my terrible lows and loves me and holds me up when I can't stand.  My kids have turned my heart inside out, only in the best way.  They have helped me love in such a way that I never quite imagined.  I love these kids without end, so much that it I can't breathe sometimes.  I will do anything to protect my children and to keep them innocent as long as possible because children need to be innocent. 

My family dropped me off, and I took my bags and walked away from the van, full of my life.  I cried. Not really visible to those around me, but I did cry.  I didn't cry because I didn't feel they were safe but I cried because my whole life was in that van.  I can't explain it.  I needed this weekend.

It's hard for me to make friends.  I'm kind of awkward and I have tried so hard to not be such a recluse but it just seems to be my lot.  Anyway, I am so grateful for the friendships that I have in my life right now.  I have one older brother and didn't get to experience having sisters as I grew up.  I feel like my very precious friends, are my sisters in the way that counts.  I don't have to have long, heart filled conversations with them.  Sometimes we can connect by a glance across the room and that's all it takes.  I love having girlfriends that I can talk to without censors because I know I won't be judged.  I have come to realize that my happiness, in part, has a lot to do with the presence of my girlfriends.  I went through quite some time without friends and the loneliness was so suffocating.  I couldn't quite pin why I was so unhappy but now I can see that I needed to have friends who weren't there because of obligation but were there(in my life) because they choose to be friends with me.  I don't know if that makes sense.  One thing about me...If I am your friend, I will never stop being your friend.  I think friendships are precious treasures.  The sweet friends I have in my life are just that - treasure. 

Anyway, I feel like I need to just scream a big Thank you.  This weekend helped me regroup and remember my blessings.  I am so grateful for my family, my friends and my life, as hard and hectic as it is...I am grateful!

 Pre-race smiles and clean, matching socks!
Walking to the start.

Competitive much?


One last mud pit before the pink finish line.
Post-race smiles and muddy socks.  We don't look dirty, but we became dirty girls!  Washing out our clothes later that day, after we rinsed them at the race proved lots of mud was absorbed.  Until the next Dirty Girl event...team names are now in the works.